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A 70-year-old man who lives in the DeLand area went to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office March 28 in regard to a domestic disturbance that occurred the day before.

He said his wife, who is also 70, found the cigarettes he had hidden in their garage and began quarreling with him. Smokin’ Mad Wife started destroying Secret Smokin’ Hubby’s cigs, and he tried to save them. Wife then threw the cigarettes out of the garage.

When Secret Smokin’ Hubby “attempted to grab the cigarettes … [Smokin’ Mad Wife] pushed him against the doorway causing abrasions to his right forearm.”

When Smokin’ Mad Wife “grabbed his shirt collar and was attempting to pull him back into the garage,” he “obtained additional lacerations to his collar bone [sic].”

The deputy who was listening to Hubby’s story saw scabs on Secret Smokin’ Hubby’s collarbone and forearm, “which corroborated his allegations.”

Hubby said he didn’t want to press criminal charges.

The deputy spoke to Smokin’ Mad Wife, who said she “never placed her hands on [Hubby] at any point in time.”

Deputy determined that Smokin’ Mad Wife was the primary aggressor, and arrested her on a charge of battery on a person 65 years of age or older.

Maybe this prompts a rewrite of the old adage, “Where there are smokes, there’s a liar.”

— By Keith Allen, based on local police-agency reports. If you have information about a crime, call Crime Stoppers, 1-888-277-TIPS. You could be eligible for a reward.

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